I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
