my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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