No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
