so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
