I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
