Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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