I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
