i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
