when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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