I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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