I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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