If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My cat gives me a boner
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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