you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
