Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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