I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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