why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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