I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
