I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
