never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
