Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
