her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
