I'm jealous of your bromance
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
