We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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