Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You smell like stripper and shame
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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