when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
