You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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