guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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