we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
