my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
