I think my vagina is haunted
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
