If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I forget how to act sober
Randomize