It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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