She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
