I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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