Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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