I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
