My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
