am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize
