i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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