Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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