Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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