Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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