Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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