UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
