My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
