Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
