have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
