haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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