I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
