Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
