the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize