My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Success! We fucked roommates!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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