Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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