Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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